DATELINE–South California

In the spirit of the current legislative push to make English the official language of the U.S. government, let us pause and reflect on the specific origins and functions of this quirky American neologism (and malapropism): the “legal alien.”

As Welfare Reform fanfare circulates through this country’s increasingly sclerotic mass media channels, the term “legal alien” has made a rather bold (though subtle) entrance into the American political scene.

For within the rich political tradition of the U.S., the almost hi-tech invention of the term “legal alien” marks a true revolutionary advancement in the cause of linguistic alienation.

No longer are hysterical demagogues restricted to such bland instruments of separation as “resident” vs. “citizen” – terms that have become well nigh meaningless to a population for whom citizenship is now patriotically fused and celebrated with a Coca-Cola and a Tommy Hilfiger sweater.

No need to consult your Constitution, don’t reach for those Federalist Papers – ladies and gentlemen of the Press, leave your Emersonian tomes at home. We are all quietly incorporated into American civil society by nature of our consumption, our expenditures, our tastes and brand loyalties. But one of us has secretly chosen the wrong path, one of us has blatantly decided to reject the brand we all know and trust, one of us has chosen to remain a resident of the United States rather an than American Citizen™. One of us has sinned! God Bless this Black Sheep for the wrath of a hi-tech lynch mob will now be upon her.

These nebulous “residents” must be destroyed! The lines must be clearly defined – no matter if they fall outside the jurisdiction of the U.S. political tradition. The Masons and the Jeanne Dixons have spoken in crisp, sharp words: “LEGAL ALIENS.” These clandestine wetbacks – that is to say, turncoats – must now now be branded as LEGAL ALIENS. Yes, indeed, legalized ALIENS. ALIEN visitors from other worlds legally permitted to co-exist with us humane Americans.

Creatures from the blackest lagoons of the war-torn Third World, extra-terrestrials from lands beyond the known Earth (or, the 50 states of America), these aliens, ALIENS, will be permitted to roam our streets only on the condition that they not grow old or become sick in our pristine communities. ALIENS who become elderly while in the U.S., ALIENS who show the impudence to develop debilitating medical conditions, ALIENS who are incapable of finding work while caring for their children (who are no longer aliens by virtue of the magical powers vested in our laws), these ALIENS ARE NOT OF *THIS* EARTH AND MUST BE DEALT WITH ACCORDINGLY.

Resident – what is this word? This word is a mask – this word is subterfuge. One cannot just reside in the United States, labor in U.S. industries and pay U.S. taxes. No way, Joses. We must all become one with the holy Union of American States – we must become CITIZENS.

A land of nothing but citizens is on the horizon. A land of one people, one nation, one destiny. Americans, we are AMERICANS OVER ALL!