DATELINE–Minivan, Suburbia

At last, the pseudo-Myst-ical appeal of the Internet, the World Wide Web, the chat room, e-mail and Information Superhighway … comes clean (what a relief, what sadistic control) in the latest wave of America Online commercials.

Surfing the Jetsons, America Online subtly admits there is no more wind in the sails of the Internet explorers, navigators, conquistadors – save for the same exasperated gust of inspiration that set off this “revolution” less than two years ago: the present is nowhere, the future is everywhere. Forget multiculturalism, here’s multimedia.

We are not surprised by this shotgun marriage of the Jetsons theme song and America Online’s Internet services. Yet, at the same time, we must mourn the lost innocence of the former. The Jetsons, campy cartoon series that once shamelessly mocked the Cold War fantasy of a techno-fied domestic utopia, must now perform as happy (if hapless) bride to the Online Industry’s pig-headed brand of aimless futurism. The future is online. Online is the future.

The robot maid vacuums as the mockingbird sings.

The irony of the Jetsons must now fall flat on the circuitous, pedal-to-the-metal drive of a million PC’s spinning endlessly; downloading cheap porn, sports stats, idle chatter. The fire alarm has been set off. How will the market react now that AOL has let the cat out of the plastic bag? Can Microsoft’s ongoing campaign of unpaid advertisements on the front pages of Time, Newsweek, Forbes, etc., adjust to such a deliciously devilish denouement? Will the ceremonious coronation of King Gates continue to inspire the masses now that the Future has been removed from the back room and placed (at discount prices) on the shelf?

This final AOL campaign means nothing less than the collapse of the upper deck on the Information Superhighway. When the exponentially indebted American peoples peel back the cell phone cellophane of “A Better Tomorrow A Mere E-mail Away,” who will absorb their dull wrath? Imagine their discombobulated shock as they discover that the FutureTM has buried the past and the planet of the ape suits has overtaken the present? L.A. 1992, Chicago 1968, Miami 1981.

America: Welcome, you have mail. Welcome, you have mail. Welcome, you have mail.