DATELINE–The Circular File

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Date: Thu, 21 Nov 96 03:42:33 -0800
From: c|rude marketing
To: John_Valdez@SttF.org (or current legal resident)
Subject: Pre-Thanksgiving Holiday SALE!

The South to the Future Pre-Thanksgiving Holiday SALE!

Our hearts and our information coffers are chock full of holiday values. This e-mail is filled with special Web technology offers so you can beat the December gift rush!

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BUY $5 WORTH OF MERCHANDISE AT ANY PARTICIPATING TACO BELL™ AND GET $10 OFF ANY MICROSOFT™ PRODUCT.

Soft drinks, soft tacos and software, three great tastes that go great together, can now be consumed in truly American portions. Now, more than ever, sugar water, fake ethnic food and watered down programs are the real thing, right now! Remember: Crazy Eduardo’s counting on you to heighten the barrier between his barrio and your fantasy world of computers! CASH IN NOW! Because of the volume of our business, our purchasing power is AWESOME. That means wall-to-wall information at rock bottom prices! WE MIGHT BE SOLD OUT BUT WE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD! Hurry down now!

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Hey Soccer Moms™! Have you ever wanted to alphabetize the roster of your carpool? Ever dreamed of having the safest route to the gym pre-chosen for you, au-to-matically? Ever needed to track down that Land’s End™ package as it travels across the country while you, Prozac-ed out, pace in circles around your living room? You’ve heard of self-service gas, self-help books, and self-induced trances, but did you ever imagine that the next generation of computer-enhanced products could help you help even more people other than yourself – and!!! without the inconvenient intervention of the service class? Cut the middleman off at the knees, and Get ready to reach out and touch someone without speaking to anyone at all! No down payments. No monthly payments. No returns.

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Hey Portable Office-rs! Rat Race got you down? Want to share some of that frustrated testosterone-driven confusion with the only people who still consider you human? Why not work at home? Spread the wealth: make your family into your interns while alienating yourself even more from your fellow co-workers! Watercooler? Who needs that paid time socializing with your colleagues? Trust the phone company’s advertisements: Nirvana IS getting a cellular call from middle-management in your own bathroom!

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Hey all you NETIZENS™! How are those IMMEDIATE and UNMEDIATED flows of PURE – UNCENSORED! – INFORMATION helping you sort out the St. Petersburg RIOTS? St. Petersburg F-L-O-R-I-D-A! You had two chances to catch it: Once when the (white) cop shot the black motorist, and Once again when the local DA decided shooting an unarmed motorist WAS NOT MURDER. Ring a bell? Ding-a-ling? Oh, did we INTERRUPT your conversation about LIBERTARIANISM and the future of NO RACE™ relations in CYBERSPACE? TWENTY FOUR HOURS IN CYBERSPACE OUR ASS! TWENTY FOUR MILLION DUPES IN CYBERSPACE IS MORE LIKE IT! Come on down to South to the Future to register to win a new set of Political Principles™. Some assembly required.

This concludes our commercial presentation.
South to the Future respectfully requests
that you git back to “work” and shut yer trap.
Remember: making a livin’ ain’t about life.
It’s the preparation for death
we Americans call “Retirement."(sm)

Ya’ll come back now, ya here.