DATELINE–Washington, PC

The management of English (the language) have entered into final negotiations with the board of directors of the United States of America^TM to make English the official language of the U.S.A.^TM.

U.S.A.^TM stocks (NASDAQ: USSA, NYSE: UsSA) have risen a combined 56.7 points in the last two days alone and are expected to almost double in value by the end of the week. The final contract between the owners of English (the language) and the U.S.A.^TM will make that vocal and written communication currency both exclusive and exclusionary. Earlier this week, a competing bid by the fledgling Arizona State Supreme Court (ARSSC, not publicly traded) failed pathetically to match the overly generous leveraged buy out proposed by U.S.A.^TM directors. Industry analysts note that though there is no historical precedent for an official U.S.A.^TM language and little practical use for such an isolationist tactic in the increasingly multilingual global market, the overall brand-name value of the U.S.A.^TM will increase significantly when the rights to English (the language) are finally transferred.

Marketing strategies for the U.S.A.^TM will now own total and unrestricted use of English (the language) in any and all future campaigns. The stock market’s rumor mills have already begun to turn out such potential post-buyout slogans as: “America – Where only English is spoken.” and “The U.S. of A.^TM: What a difference a national language makes!”

The antiquarians in the audience will note that German (the language) was defeated by just one vote as the official P.R. language of the U.S.A.^TM when the latter was first incorporated in the late 18th Century – doing government as (DGA) the Thirteen Colonies^TM.

Speculators have indicated that yet another industry giant, Microsoft^TM, has already begun to investigate the possibility of buying English (the language) from the U.S.A.^TM and changing its name to Visual Basic (the language). If and when this hostile takeover should take place, it is forecast that marketing Visual Basic (the language) as the proprietary tongue of the U.S.A.^TM will have little or no impact on this country’s increasingly stupefied, shamed, and otherwise silenced citizenry.