DATELINE–Lima, Bean

The Cabbage Patch Liberation Army, known in Peru as the Frente Popular de Cabezas de Berza (FPCB), is now claiming responsibility for the recent rash of toddler scalpings across the United States of America. The savage Cabbage Patch doll attacks, which have so dramatically captured the American imagination in the wake of yet another record-setting shopping season, are now said to be the handiwork of the relatively unknown FPCB.

In a letter to the New York Times, the group states its objectives to be “the complete terrorization of America’s children” at the hands of “America’s most beloved mass-produced personality clones” – Cabbage Patch Kids.

In a video interview sent to the Hispanic American Television network, Univision, the FPCB’s masked leader, “Don Dick With Me Elmo", warns that future attacks against the “smug consumerism of spoiled American children” will go far beyond the “gentle tug on [their] collective pig-tails.”

Don Dick With Me also denied claims made on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and NBC’s “Today” by the makers of the Cabbage Patch Kid collection that “simply removing the backpack” would paralyze a dangerously masticating doll. According to the FPCB, all toddler scalpings to date were, in fact, executed by highly trained South American rebel guerrillas small enough to fit within plastic Cabbage Patch Kid bodysuits.

Authorities have issued a warning to all parents who bought the chewing Cabbage Patch dolls to verify the doll’s country of origin and the package of “French Fries” which is also sold with the hungry dolls. “If the Fries are real,” warned an FBI spokesperson, “you got a real live South American rebel in your hands.”

Parents who suspect that they are in the possession of “imported” Cabbage Patch children can turn them in at local retail or INS centers.