Dateline–Excelsior District, San Francisco

South to the Future (SttF), a San Francisco-based nonprofit, announced today that it has trademarked History for usage relating to the World Wide Web and other digital media.

This unprecedented move by an industry unknown has created a ripple effect that insiders predict will radically redefine content-development in traditional entertainment spheres and new media ventures alike. Unlike the nominal use of history made by the History Channel during the heyday of cable television in the 1980s, SttF’s ownership of History™ will position it as sole proprietor of nearly 10 millennia of human activity.

Exclusive rights to History™ would allow SttF to define the future of the information age. By licensing historical figures and events as prepackaged, ready-to-publish copy, SttF is guaranteed to remain a step ahead of the major networks, private corporations, and even government and military agencies across the globe.

Microsoft, TCI and Disney have filed lawsuits. In the meantime, the SF-based nonprofit continues to line up multi-million dollar contracts with international private and public interests.

During a brief but bizarre press conference at the “MOM is Cooking” restaurant in the largely Mexican-American Excelsior section of San Francisco, SttF’s spokesperson, known only as Gerardo, explained the organization’s strategy as one of both foresight and “serendipitous myopia.” What follows is a transcript from this morning’s press conference.

Until today, the age of information has been retarded by unprecedented shortages in the narrative data known as ‘content.’

In a time awash with offers of Future, the Past proves to be in scant supply. And in an age dominated by over-abundant marketing copy, the scarcest product for sale is text, itself. We feel that the most lucrative text market will be, specifically, ‘context.’ Hence, History will become one of the most exciting places to be.

By trademarking History™, SttF is issuing a wake-up call to industry Goliaths and Davids, alike. We are about to make history with the past. Our art department is even toying with the idea of launching this campaign by teasing ‘Just undo it.’

Q: Can I get the nopales tamale combo?

Time and again, we’ve seen brand name identities created, circulated and even sold months before any exchangeable products were developed, let alone actually purchased by consumers.

To this day, hi-tech companies will spend millions of borrowed, interest-free dollars on ad campaigns that promote only the premise of the information age as a market. In these multi-million dollar half-minutes, they say nothing of the products or services they might have for sale should this age ever dawn upon us as we wait, speechless, in the shadows of a disintegrating public sphere.

You see, the reported dearth of ‘content’ on the Web is merely a euphemism for the death of ‘culture’ throughout America; a fate which can only be avoided by injecting large doses of a multicultural reality into the system – not the multimedia fantasy you see everywhere today.

Q: Could we have another order of guacamole, please?

With History™ now technically on our side, the writing on the white-washed walls of a million cubicled, air- conditioned and electronically-monitored fiefdoms is destined to become more like the seemingly illegible graffiti you might see today in East L.A., Miami, West Oakland, Watts, the South Bronx, or the South Side of Chicago.

South to the Future will not be bringing History™ back from the grave, but History™ will surely bring America back to the south that is its future.