DATELINE–District of Colombia

The white sheep of Scotland may be dominating the news, but elsewhere in the world, humankind’s problems are multiplying without the help of spiked RNA.

Ewe-genics pales in comparison to international news outages.

Pay no mind to the real possibility that a nuclear holocaust will take place on the Korean peninsula over the symbolic defection to China of North Korea’s leading communist ideologue. Don’t lose sleep over the fact that communist China, recently bereft of its perennial premier Deng Xiao Peng, has a few problems of its own. Try not to give a second thought to rebellion in the former Soviet republic of Albania, a nation-state bordering the birthplace of western civilization, a.k.a. Greece, where shepherds now tote guns as they watch over their (non-cloned) flocks by night.

Speaking of politics, have you heard about a standoff in Peru involving 72 hostages? It appears that the irreconcilably feuding parties involved include a revolutionary communist organization and the governments of Japan, Cuba, Peru and the United States.

Leave cloning for the wimps in white smocks – real men prefer a shave with the undead REDS.

But nothing the Communist zombies might dish out can compare with the potential carnage about to be served up on a silver mirror in our very own “backyard.” Latin America, the “FOR RENT” 51st state of the U.S., appears to be throwing her Yanqui fans in Washington a curve ball, yet again. The spitball pitch? Cocaine.

You probably didn’t notice that on the last day of National Snack Food month, President Clinton issued his annual certification of U.S. allies in the War on Drugs. Based on a noble tradition of supply-side economics (cf. Ronald Reagan’s $3 trillion deficit, a.k.a. “Voodoo Economics"), Clinton’s edict shifts the blame for America’s recent, across-the-board increase in drug consumption from North American consumers to Latin American governments.

Yes, the state governments of Mexico and Colombia are actually to blame for the multi-billion dollar U.S. drug trade. Do not be fooled by the hundreds of Colombian and Mexican government workers, lawyers, peace officers and judges who have been assassinated, their families kidnapped, tortured and murdered – they have all been killed for naught. Now, thanks to President Clinton and the 105th U.S. Congress, we realize that these martyrs are part of the problem not the solution.

For the answer, my friends, is blowing in the northern trade winds. Obviously, Latin American governments are, in fact, comprised of Spanish-speaking Latinos and, thus, are not really Americans, at all. It is far from coincidental that Spanish is also the language spoken by the Latin American cultivators of coca and poppy; agricultural ingredients transformed into Crack and Smack in North American processing facilities.

But these brown wolves in sheep’s clothing will not be outdone by their Scottish brethren. Colombia has already begun a campaign of anti-American-cloning technology, resisting U.S. machismo with a policy of inaction on all drug fronts. No more extraditions, no more arrests, no more raids, no more dead Colombian lawyers, cops, judges, priests and politicians. Should President Clinton decide to truly “resist the temptation to replicate” (i.e., clone) himself, he would commend (not censure) both Colombia and Mexico for the political and personnel sacrifices they have made to the voracious U.S. appetite for drugs.

Ward Cleaver, Donna Reed, Bill Cosby – not Juan Valdez – are at the root of the North American drug problem, and until Clinton or the 105th Congress can address the alienation of America’s youth, punishing little Brown Brother will only add insult to injury.