DATELINE–Fort Davis, Texas

TEXAS REPUBLICANS PITCH IN

In a tragic turn of events, private citizens in Fort Davis, Texas, have taken up arms against the U.S. government in response to President Clinton’s calls for increased volunteerism in America. Clintons remarks, which were made in conjunction with the historic Presidents’ Summit for America’s Future, may have touched off a wave of violent insurrection throughout the heartland.

The Texas Republicans, not to be confused with Texan Republicans, have taken two hostages as “prisoners of war” and are currently engaged in a standoff with law-enforcement agents in the sleepy, West Texas resort town of Fort Davis. The Republicans’ leader, Richard McLaren, claims that Texas was never legally annexed to the U.S., thus forcing him to volunteer as the head of the new, independent Republic of Texas.

While liberating states from the Union may not have been specifically enumerated in the President’s “Summit Declaration of Commitment,” a document signed by four former ex-presidents including Nancy Reagan, it certainly does not violate the spirited ethos of the Summit.

BIG PROBLEMS FOR LITTLE GOVERNMENT

“The era of big government may be over, but the era of big challenges for our country is not. And so we need an era of big citizenship. That is why we are here.” – President Bill Clinton, Independence Hall, Philadelphia, Pa.

Of course, no state could offer up bigger citizens than Texas, where the U.S. government–at any size–has proven to be more than McLaren’s Republicans can bear. As Clinton’s advisors scramble to distance the administration from the violent standoff in Fort Davis, it is unclear whether or not other concerned citizens will take up arms. The crisis appears to stem from the vague and impassioned rhetoric of the Presidents’ volunteerism summit, which beseeches individual citizens to assume responsibility for the social programs that have recently been dismantled under Clinton’s Welfare Reform bill.

AN UNCERTAIN FUTURE FOR AMERICAN VOLUNTEERISM

Until now, separatist militants operated on the fringes of the American political scene. The President’s Summit may have changed all that, by delegating both the authority and mandate of the state to private groups and citizens. While Clinton’s support for the Summit may have been little more than a transparent attempt to shift attention away from the already devastating effects of his recent anti-poor legislation, he may remembered as the president who ushered in an era of secession.

The ambitious tone of the Summit may have led citizens to conclude that the U.S. government no longer in exists. In order to satisfy the terms of the Summit’s “Declaration of Commitment,” which include feeding the poor, housing the homeless, hiring the unemployed and otherwise caring for the infirm, private citizens and their associations may also have to collect taxes, print money, and secure the nation’s borders. However, no specific mention was made during the three-day conference as to how existing law enforcement branches would deal with volunteer zealots like the Texas Republicans who have been drafted to serve as private “governmental agencies.”

The Fort Davis standoff could not have come at a more inopportune moment for the Summit’s mastermind, Bill Clinton. As the first democratic president to serve two-terms since Franklin Roosevelt, Clinton planned to dedicate the new FDR memorial on Washington’s mall this weekend. Instead, he may have to retract his rhetorical exhortations on volunteerism and dissuade Americans from taking an active interest in their communities, lest the example of the Texas Republicans repeat itself in cities and towns across America.

DATELINE–Cervix Merchandise

A quiet storm is brewing in the “feminine” aisle of your local drugstore: a silent revolution in women’s hygiene. At the heart of the matter is a “feminine” technology so advanced it could bring menstruation out of the dark ages and off the “rag,” forever. Say “ta-ta” to tampons, “sayonara” to sanitary pads, “adieux” to absorbent underwear and “Hello, stranger!” to a new generation of Plastic Period Prostheses.

The future of womanhood has arrived and her name is INSTEAD™.

Perhaps, you’ve seen the commercials. Sedated spokeswomen introducing a “unique” and “new” form of “feminine protection.”

For what modern woman doesn’t yearn to be protected–literally, shielded–from the vagaries of her period, not to mention the vicissitudes of today’s fast-paced world? What product could simultaneously block menstrual flow and bridge the gender gap?

We found the answer in next month’s issue of Ladies’ PC HomeLife & Garden Magazine. We have republished the text of their monthly “feminine technology review” below as a service to our readers:

———–clip & save————

INSTEAD
Advanced Feminine Protection Technology

BACKGROUND

There’s a new menstrual management tool for the 21st Century, and it’s called INSTEAD. It may very well be a high-tech silver lining to the dark cloud of being a woman in today’s advanced world. In fact, considering the lack of attention paid to “women-only” medical problems such as breast cancer and female infanticide, it’s surprising that doctors could take time out of their busy schedules to “gild the tampon,” so to speak.

But INSTEAD wasn’t designed by gynecologists, not even by lady doctors. Audrey Contente, a mother and a triathlete, invented INSTEAD because she felt conventional tampons and pads weren’t adequate “hosts” for her “monthly visitor.”

INSTEAD is made by little-known Ultrafem Inc. but in size and shape it’s quite familiar. In fact, INSTEAD is merely a disposable diaphragm with a reservoir tip. To install INSTEAD, simply fold it, leaving the rubber basket hanging down, and insert into the vagina. The product can then be pushed back and down until it comes to rest in the space below the cervix. Once in place, INSTEAD acts as both a dam and collection cup, sealing menstrual fluid off from your “personal environment,” even before it reaches the air. INSTEAD claims to provide non-stop protection for up to 12 hours.

It may concern some women that “damming up” menstrual blood within the body has a vaguely endometrial ring. Ultrafem, however, suggests there is no demonstrated link between using INSTEAD and developing ENDOMETRIOSIS. Others may be troubled by the contraceptive connotations of the product. Again, Ultrafem clearly states in its literature that INSTEAD is neither a CONTRACEPTIVE nor a PROPHYLACTIC.

THE TEST INSERTION

INSTEAD was thoroughly tested in the Ladies’ PC HomeLife & Garden lab. Pushing the flexible ring with its rubber reservoir through the vagina to the space below the cervix was not the easiest task for our fem-tech benchmarking team. We wondered, how easy can it really be to position a bloody rubber cup the size of a White Castle hamburger under one’s cervix? Some of the more unpleasant side effects of this “installation bug” included the undesired distribution of menstrual blood onto both hands. Compared to the strictly digital requirements of installing an O.B.-brand feminine protection device, INSTEAD insertion turned out to be quite a manually intensive chore.

We should note, however, that Ultrafem customer service provided adequate assistance via their 1-800-INSTEAD help-line, where Registered Nurses were available to answer our questions. A call from our lab made at around 3 p.m., PST, was handled as follows:

“Thank you for calling to inquire about INSTEAD. How can I help you?”

“I purchased your INSTEAD and am having trouble inserting it correctly. It’s really huge.”

“Have you used a diaphragm before?”

“Uh, no. I’m a Lesbian.”

[pause]

“Oh.”

THE BENEFITS OF INSTEAD

Hopeful that INSTEAD could somehow turn the tide around we decided to turn to the company’s extensive product documentation for some insight on the benefits of using this creepy “new feminine protection” device.

What are the advantages of INSTEAD?

Due to INSTEAD’s longer wear time and incredible comfort, you have the freedom to sleep, swim, shop, even have sexual intercourse… INSTEAD is the only feminine protection product that allows you to engage in clean and comfortable sexual intercourse. INSTEAD will not leak, dislodge or get pushed inside you. You or your partner most likely will not feel INSTEAD. Of course, if you are likely to engage in strenuous physical activity or intercourse, please remove INSTEAD and replace with a new one before engaging in any such activity.

Sometimes I get an embarrassing odor with tampons or pads. Will there be an odor with INSTEAD?

Most odor associated with your period occurs when blood comes in contact with air and starts to decompose. Also, urine and feces cause odor when they come into contact with the tampon string or sanitary pads. Because INSTEAD holds the blood away from the air, you will always feel clean and fresh. Many women have told me how pleased they were at the lack of odor with INSTEAD.

Back in the Ladies’ Lab, our analog tests of INSTEAD could not conclusively confirm higher levels of “FREEDOM” in the traditionally feminine spheres of sleeping, swimming, shopping and submitting to sexual intercourse with men. Additionally, we could not determine for whom the INSTEAD insured “clean and comfortable” sexual relations. Some staffers indicated that they liked the smell of their periods and missed it when using INSTEAD. There were even some Lab techs who said they actually enjoy getting their menstrual “time off” from their “stinky boyfriends” and everything else they’re juggling these days. Product satisfaction in these areas is likely to vary from user to user.

What did draw rave reviews from our lab was the long-term pay off of using INSTEAD–removing the cup full of menstrual fluid after up to 12 hours of sloughing off uterine lining. For the woman (and we know you’re out there!) who relishes staring in wonderment at the resulting congealed chunks of blood-clotted tissue, INSTEAD serves those little tasties on a silver platter.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Unlike other feminine hygiene products, which simply address the needs of a woman’s body during menstruation, Ultrafem provides an “instead"–"an alternative or substitute” for being a woman during menstruation.

INSTEAD, if used according to the manufacturer’s instructions cited above, can actually transform a menstruating female into a bionic woman, technologically-enhanced and, thus, to the best of anyone’s knowledge, virtually Period-Free! By giving today’s modern woman the tools she needs to hide her period very, very well, INSTEAD has brought to market a final solution for all female trouble–a product that can fill the void inside of all women, or at least plug it up for up to 12 hours. ##

———-clip & save———–

It’s sad–but all of the above Ultrafem copy is true. Menstruation is “embarrassing,” disgusting even. [Make a mental note: check and see if you or someone you love has teeth “down there."] Women are essentially unclean by today’s high-tech standards. However, if their bloody contamination can be cleverly concealed by a diaphragm-like cervical cup, women can be finally liberated to do the things they really want to do while menstruating: sleep, swim, shop, have sexual intercourse, take healthy doses of anti-depressants, do more work for less pay, bang their heads against the glass ceiling, etc.

DATELINE–IRS Form 1040c

After celebrating the one and only truly national holiday, tax day, some Americans are about to get billed for the festivities. The Internal Revenue Service, which sponsors the yearly season of national lamentation and mirth-making, announced this morning that it will be sending out a second wave of tax forms to America’s legal residents.

For those unfamiliar with American tax law, a “legal resident” is a permanent guest of the American state, but unlike other guests, legal residents are not allowed to receive government benefits in return for the federal and local taxes they pay. That is, legal residents pay taxes (sales, income, etc.) but are no longer entitled to receive such government benefits as Medicare.

By denying legal residents their due access to tax-funded government programs, America now holds forth a beacon to the civilized world previously born by such esteemed nations as France, Germany and Turkey. For only in these other xenophobic societies do legal residents receive such an orchestrated hazing at the hands of violent mobs of unemployed young men and “employed” public officials. In fact, the renowned and perennial bigotry of the French towards French Jews and of Germans towards Turks and of Turks towards Christians is only a dim candle compared to the blazing bonfire of U.S. laws which now formally scapegoat legal residents.

While this assessment may sound a bit far-fetched, the facts of the matter are even more absurd. Officially, immigrants who are granted permanent residency in the U.S. are referred to as legal residents. Though confusing and, perhaps, a touch insane, many prominent U.S. officials, from the President on down to the Speaker of the House and even many state governors and city mayors, regularly refer to legal residents as “legal aliens.” Aliens? The exact meaning of this unconscious slip of the tongue is elusive, but the very real consequences of this slippery slope are quite imminent.

With national tax day behind us, America can now begin preparing for a riotous celebration of a new Independence Day. Spurred on by the crypto-official use of the term “alien” and the blockbuster success of alien-invasion motion pictures like the German/American “Independence Day,” America’s legal residents (a.k.a., “legal aliens") are now gearing up for the only political response in their means: death, mayhem, massive destruction.

Unable to vote, legal residents, like other, law-abiding Americans, have nonetheless paid their taxes. They are excluded from receiving the same benefits due to other “tax-payers” only because they are not card-carrying U.S. citizens – a technicality our more red-blooded leaders apparently cannot tolerate in this era of “Peace and Prosperity.” Although foreign-born residents are allowed to pursue U.S. citizenship, they often choose to abide by their national allegiances, preserving family ties and/or adhering to religious convictions, and remain in America as permanent guests of our great nation. The question, then, is not why there are legal residents in America, but how long our “modern” and “civilized” nation will allow them to stay.

In the meantime, as these same “legal aliens” find out that their tax dollars no longer serve them or their families (e.g., in cases of extreme medical emergencies), can they not rightfully expect to retrieve these same funds, by force, from the coffers of the U.S. government?

No one knows for certain whether “legal aliens” will actually take to the streets on this year’s Independence Day. Perhaps, it will take more than a spectacular alien-invasion disaster movie to rile them up into a vengeful frenzy.

Or, perhaps, this time, the U.S. will actually be destroyed as aliens leave it for a world with more intelligent native life forms.

DATELINE–Las Vegas, PRA

As more and more Americans confront an unfriendly future filled with underemployment and racial strife, the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB) are meeting in Las Vegas, Nevada this week to outline their own survival strategy.

After only a few hours of debate and several days of all-nude revues, their three point plan is ready: first, eliminate analog television; second, introduce digital television; and finally, eliminate television altogether and introduce a pure digital signal into the brains of every American.

A digital signal (comprised of 0’s and 1’s) would allow Broadcasters to turn Americans “on” and “off” at the appropriate intervals. After decades of experimentation, Americans will finally be able to immediately receive the direct programming feed they’ve always dreamed of enjoying. The forgotten promise of cable, satellite dishes, and even the Web pales in comparison to the automatic benefits of having a one-to-one correspondence between broadcaster and receiver, advertiser and consumer, master and slave.

The television as multimedia alarm clock and sleeping aid, pretend friend and simulated family, has finally come into its own.

Using the business plan now popular with “online information providers,” future digital television channels will simply charge the viewer (or “user") for accepting information already mass-produced and pre-packaged for their viewing pleasure. The advantages of receiving pre-digested news are too obvious to mention – we need only turn to the natural kingdom and the feeding habits of young birds to see the treats that are now in store for us.

Typically, some technophobic pinkos have already voiced the concern that eliminating broadcast television (after all but destroying the printed word in American culture) will leave poor folk and the elderly even more out of sync with our televised nation state. As Americans, we recognize that all technology comes at a steep human price. We know and accept that our absurdly cheap gas prices come at the cost of any peaceful resolution to the perennial carnage in the Middle East. In fact, even our most expensive designer clothes are mass-produced by indentured Asian women working like dogs in far-off places like Malaysia, Taiwan and Korea. We are surely prepared to pay an even greater price at home for our crystal-clear digital TV’s.

Out with the “New” and in with the old news.

As for that $200 analog television set you bought last December: no need to throw it out the window (unless you live on top of a Starbucks), because there are hundreds of clever projects your whole family can do with its now obsolete state-of-the-art electronic components. We picked up the following suggestions (for local television stations to share with their viewers during news programming time) from the NAB’s own convention guide: …For the home-improvement crowd, a static-filled screen or one that broadcasts multiple cell-phone conversations (now to be transmitted in the analog TV frequency range) can make a great electronic scarecrow in just about any gated community. A nationwide survey shows that police officers recommend a steady stream of white noise over tear gas nearly two-to-one…"A lawn jockey made of one or multiple analog television sets may be your best protection against predator hoodlums from the projects….”

…Even if you’re not handy with electricity, you can still get something out of that good-for-nothing analog set by taking it down to your local “Good Guys” or “Brand Central” where the nice gentlemen in gray suits will give you a voucher worth up to $200 in educational programming. That’s almost 10 hours of top-quality children’s programming at no extra cost. But make sure sure to buckle up your little Johnny, ‘cause that digital signal is going to make those Power Rangers’ explosions sound like little Hiroshimas in your very own living room… Remember, improved picture quality, enhanced sound, and even features like high-definition broadcasts of AOL and the Microsoft Network are only some of the great reasons why television technology is about to be completely revamped whether you like it or not. Our compliments to America’s television industry (AKA, the People’s Republic of America).

Next year, look out for bread slicers and the square wheel – just a few of the life-enhancing innovations we help subsidize by scapegoating welfare recipients and the loosey-goosey regulation of our natural resources.

DATELINE–Rancho Santa Fe

The videotape doesn’t lie. All of the 39, mostly-white Heaven’s Gate cultists were wearing black Nike sneakers.

All of them. Black. Why?

Nike, you may recall, was the winged Greek Goddess of Victory. But a victory for whom?

Follow us down the darkest alleys of the online underworld as we unravel a conspiracy bigger than anything the mainstream press is willing to divulge. Before this story ends, you’ll find yourself face to face with the sixth richest man in America, an inner-city economic development agency, a ten-year-old police cover-up in the City of Brotherly Love, and the most exciting technology to hit the Web since the browser. Brace yourselves, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

How did the Heaven’s Gate organization support 39 baby boomers in a $7,000 per month luxury mansion by “putting up Web pages"? Their astonishingly successful revenue model has thus far eluded thousands of corporations with considerably less overhead costs. Even Wired Ventures, the very bastion of straightlaced cyber-corporatism, cannot answer this seemingly innocent question.

Perhaps, they cannot. Perhaps, they can. Perhaps, the answer is buried deeper than the surface of your monitor. Consider the black sneakers. Let the public record show that each and every one of them was an identical model of Nike brand footwear.

According to Wired News (again), “Nike brushes aside reports that it’s interested in buying a cable channel or - failing that - using the Internet in place of television.” What would a shoe company want with a dedicated cable channel, let alone an electronic hearth? Do they really need that much mass media power just to sell a pair of rubber slippers?

Maybe. Maybe not. Do we really believe that’s all they’re selling? The British charity Christian Aid quotes a Nike representative who explains: “We’re not just selling a sneaker, we’re a lifestyle.” Note the omission of a verb in the latter part of his pronouncement. Nike doesn’t sell a lifestyle, Nike is a lifestyle.

Nike, a lifestyle? Just what are the contours of a sneaker-based life? Without a Nike channel in our midst, we turned to their Web site for answers. The following may shock you.

Vivid, the “architect” of the forthcoming Nike Web site, describes its staff as “vividians", a name all-too reminiscent of Waco’s own Branch Davidians. Their Web site even makes explicit references to their cult ties: Here at vivid we’re not ready to shed our containers just yet - but we are sending our Fearless Leader to Jupiter Communications’ upcoming @Travel ‘97 Conference in Chicago. (http://www.vivid.com/news) And deeper within their site: Who are we? How did we get here? Not a day goes by that we don’t ask ourselves the same thing, truthfully. Near as we can tell, we were all drawn together by a mysterious force, more powerful than our meager human brains could comprehend. In the meantime, we’ve formed this spiffy company to keep ourselves busy until we receive further instructions. (http://www.vivid.com/vividians) But instructions from whom? Aliens riding on the crest of a comet? And why would a multimedia production company be in the business of recruitment literature (as in their widely-published “Careers in Multimedia” guidebook)? What is really going on behind this thin veneer of “a lifetime in multimedia and Web design"?

Consider the comet. To many, a comet is not unlike the “swoosh” logo known worldwide as the Nike seal. Nike’s vice-chairman, Richard Donahue, describes his company’s identity as follows: “The commitment is to be a global company - one management, one theme, one value, one ethic around the world.’

One ethic, one value, one theme, and, lastly, one “management” around the world. But who, or what, will be the manager?

Unearthing the planned Nike administration takes us around the world, visiting a host of new “NikeTowns". According to LEAP New Media, the NikeTown expansion has been wrought by an advanced technological pitch with fantastical nuances: The [LEAP] laptop presentation was developed as an innovative sell-in tool for Nike’s upper management to take on the road to visually explain the NIKETOWN concept. The audience would be dignitaries, government officials, etc. in foreign markets where Nike would like to expand its NIKETOWN operations. (http://www.leapnet.com/port/media_new/) Dignitaries? Government officials? Why would they be talking to American shoe salesmen? As it turns out, foreign states are not the only powers engaged in clandestine negotiations with the forces of Nike. More on that later.

When a company wields the power to create and destroy Worlds, you can bet every bureaucrat from here to Timbuktu is going to want to “make nice” with the boys in the power suits. But what awesome technological force does Nike possess – what is their nuclear football?

According to Wired (yet again), that cataclysmic device is named PUSH: “PUSH! Kiss your Web browser goodbye…” A standard that will eliminate all Web browsers, vaporizing them in the blink of an eye, is soon to be unleashed upon the World. Nike, thanks to their “vividian” patsies, will no doubt be at the forefront of the new, post-PUSH world order.

Yes. But the story doesn’t end here. It is a well-known fact that Black Americans are both disproportionally poor and prone to wear Nike emblems on their persons. Yet, it is not as well known that a prominent African-American leader by the name of the Reverend Jesse Jackson founded an organization also named PUSH (People United To Save Humanity) more than 24 years ago – a full three years before the Heaven’s Gate began their quest. One of PUSH’s agents, Eddie Harris of Detroit, describes the pro-Humanity organization’s goals thusly: “The scope of everything we do is economic development for African Americans.”

Economic development, says Harris, but what then of the Nike emblem? Why would so many disadvantaged African Americans fork over more than a hundred US dollars a pop for a pair of Nike “shoes"? Could it be that they wish to emulate the stellar success of basketball legend Michael Jordan (the recent star of “Space Jam")?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps they are simply trying to get some place that’s better than where they are now. Perhaps the People United to Save Humanity have called Nike’s bluff, insisting that humanity itself is at risk. For what other destination lies before these disenchanted minority youths than the intergalactic trajectory of a comet?

Swoosh. LEAP. PUSH. Where is this headed? Surely there is a history to all of this – a secret power struggle of which we are still unaware.

Perhaps, you recall “MOVE"?

Investigators seeking the truth behind the Nike emblem marking Heaven’s Gate need only look back in time to Philadelphia circa 1985. As MOVE, a group of African-American naturists (neo-luddites), stockpiled arms and supplies in their urban compound, local authorities smelled something foul in the air. That smell was smoke. The Associated Press tells it this way: The attack followed a daylong siege May 13, 1985. Police had gone to the compound to serve search warrants and arrest members of the radical back-to-nature group…

The [police] bombing of the group’s rowhouse headquarters in a Philadelphia neighborhood triggered a fire that engulfed a city block and destroyed more than 60 homes. Eleven people, including five children, died in the blaze. A mistake? A flare-up? Or a coolly planned act of genocide? Did former Philadelphia Police Commissioner Gregore Sambor know the awful truth that burned down with the MOVE HQ? Did he know what Phil Knight, supposed CEO of Nike and the 6th richest man in America, is obviously hiding – the horrifying testament revealed in the Heaven’s Gate mass-suicide?

Why Black Nikes? Why did the Internet trail lead us to PUSH? Why is it that Black teenagers are killed for their Nikes – for their “Air” Jordans, no less? Are the NikeTowns sprouting up around the world the real Gates of Heaven, the actual recruitment centers? Are Blacks being recruited by means of a carefully-contrived mass-delusion of otherwordly power and new life? Is Phil Knight the true Do, as in the now global mantra “Just Do It"?

No. Because, simply, Blacks are the only real aliens in this April Fool’s story.