DATELINE–Las Vegas, PRA

As more and more Americans confront an unfriendly future filled with underemployment and racial strife, the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB) are meeting in Las Vegas, Nevada this week to outline their own survival strategy.

After only a few hours of debate and several days of all-nude revues, their three point plan is ready: first, eliminate analog television; second, introduce digital television; and finally, eliminate television altogether and introduce a pure digital signal into the brains of every American.

A digital signal (comprised of 0’s and 1’s) would allow Broadcasters to turn Americans “on” and “off” at the appropriate intervals. After decades of experimentation, Americans will finally be able to immediately receive the direct programming feed they’ve always dreamed of enjoying. The forgotten promise of cable, satellite dishes, and even the Web pales in comparison to the automatic benefits of having a one-to-one correspondence between broadcaster and receiver, advertiser and consumer, master and slave.

The television as multimedia alarm clock and sleeping aid, pretend friend and simulated family, has finally come into its own.

Using the business plan now popular with “online information providers,” future digital television channels will simply charge the viewer (or “user") for accepting information already mass-produced and pre-packaged for their viewing pleasure. The advantages of receiving pre-digested news are too obvious to mention – we need only turn to the natural kingdom and the feeding habits of young birds to see the treats that are now in store for us.

Typically, some technophobic pinkos have already voiced the concern that eliminating broadcast television (after all but destroying the printed word in American culture) will leave poor folk and the elderly even more out of sync with our televised nation state. As Americans, we recognize that all technology comes at a steep human price. We know and accept that our absurdly cheap gas prices come at the cost of any peaceful resolution to the perennial carnage in the Middle East. In fact, even our most expensive designer clothes are mass-produced by indentured Asian women working like dogs in far-off places like Malaysia, Taiwan and Korea. We are surely prepared to pay an even greater price at home for our crystal-clear digital TV’s.

Out with the “New” and in with the old news.

As for that $200 analog television set you bought last December: no need to throw it out the window (unless you live on top of a Starbucks), because there are hundreds of clever projects your whole family can do with its now obsolete state-of-the-art electronic components. We picked up the following suggestions (for local television stations to share with their viewers during news programming time) from the NAB’s own convention guide: …For the home-improvement crowd, a static-filled screen or one that broadcasts multiple cell-phone conversations (now to be transmitted in the analog TV frequency range) can make a great electronic scarecrow in just about any gated community. A nationwide survey shows that police officers recommend a steady stream of white noise over tear gas nearly two-to-one…"A lawn jockey made of one or multiple analog television sets may be your best protection against predator hoodlums from the projects….”

…Even if you’re not handy with electricity, you can still get something out of that good-for-nothing analog set by taking it down to your local “Good Guys” or “Brand Central” where the nice gentlemen in gray suits will give you a voucher worth up to $200 in educational programming. That’s almost 10 hours of top-quality children’s programming at no extra cost. But make sure sure to buckle up your little Johnny, ‘cause that digital signal is going to make those Power Rangers’ explosions sound like little Hiroshimas in your very own living room… Remember, improved picture quality, enhanced sound, and even features like high-definition broadcasts of AOL and the Microsoft Network are only some of the great reasons why television technology is about to be completely revamped whether you like it or not. Our compliments to America’s television industry (AKA, the People’s Republic of America).

Next year, look out for bread slicers and the square wheel – just a few of the life-enhancing innovations we help subsidize by scapegoating welfare recipients and the loosey-goosey regulation of our natural resources.