DATELINE–IRS Form 1040c

After celebrating the one and only truly national holiday, tax day, some Americans are about to get billed for the festivities. The Internal Revenue Service, which sponsors the yearly season of national lamentation and mirth-making, announced this morning that it will be sending out a second wave of tax forms to America’s legal residents.

For those unfamiliar with American tax law, a “legal resident” is a permanent guest of the American state, but unlike other guests, legal residents are not allowed to receive government benefits in return for the federal and local taxes they pay. That is, legal residents pay taxes (sales, income, etc.) but are no longer entitled to receive such government benefits as Medicare.

By denying legal residents their due access to tax-funded government programs, America now holds forth a beacon to the civilized world previously born by such esteemed nations as France, Germany and Turkey. For only in these other xenophobic societies do legal residents receive such an orchestrated hazing at the hands of violent mobs of unemployed young men and “employed” public officials. In fact, the renowned and perennial bigotry of the French towards French Jews and of Germans towards Turks and of Turks towards Christians is only a dim candle compared to the blazing bonfire of U.S. laws which now formally scapegoat legal residents.

While this assessment may sound a bit far-fetched, the facts of the matter are even more absurd. Officially, immigrants who are granted permanent residency in the U.S. are referred to as legal residents. Though confusing and, perhaps, a touch insane, many prominent U.S. officials, from the President on down to the Speaker of the House and even many state governors and city mayors, regularly refer to legal residents as “legal aliens.” Aliens? The exact meaning of this unconscious slip of the tongue is elusive, but the very real consequences of this slippery slope are quite imminent.

With national tax day behind us, America can now begin preparing for a riotous celebration of a new Independence Day. Spurred on by the crypto-official use of the term “alien” and the blockbuster success of alien-invasion motion pictures like the German/American “Independence Day,” America’s legal residents (a.k.a., “legal aliens") are now gearing up for the only political response in their means: death, mayhem, massive destruction.

Unable to vote, legal residents, like other, law-abiding Americans, have nonetheless paid their taxes. They are excluded from receiving the same benefits due to other “tax-payers” only because they are not card-carrying U.S. citizens – a technicality our more red-blooded leaders apparently cannot tolerate in this era of “Peace and Prosperity.” Although foreign-born residents are allowed to pursue U.S. citizenship, they often choose to abide by their national allegiances, preserving family ties and/or adhering to religious convictions, and remain in America as permanent guests of our great nation. The question, then, is not why there are legal residents in America, but how long our “modern” and “civilized” nation will allow them to stay.

In the meantime, as these same “legal aliens” find out that their tax dollars no longer serve them or their families (e.g., in cases of extreme medical emergencies), can they not rightfully expect to retrieve these same funds, by force, from the coffers of the U.S. government?

No one knows for certain whether “legal aliens” will actually take to the streets on this year’s Independence Day. Perhaps, it will take more than a spectacular alien-invasion disaster movie to rile them up into a vengeful frenzy.

Or, perhaps, this time, the U.S. will actually be destroyed as aliens leave it for a world with more intelligent native life forms.