DATELINE–Las Vegas, Nevada

On the literal eve of Hong Kong’s return to Chinese rule,the spirit of Chairman Mao Tse Tung descended upon Mike Tyson in Las Vegas, Nev., persuading the African-American boxer to bite off a piece of another man’s ear.

The transcorporal and transcontinental bite heard ’round the world may have cost Tyson a $30 million purse, but it won boxing and foreign affairs observers, alike, a clear view to the mysterious pantheon of our modern heroes.

Tyson, a one-time champion in the world of boxing, had a portrait of Chairman Mao tattooed on his right arm while serving time in the Indiana Youth Correctional Facility on a highly publicized rape and assault conviction.

A recently published biography of Chairman Mao written by his personal physician, Zhisui Li, suggests that the long-time dictator of Communist China also raped and assaulted women on a regular basis. Unlike the women Tyson beat and raped, Mao’s teen-age victims were considered patriotic for sacrificing their virginity to the premier’s insatiable lust for power.

Ironically, this formidable political figure who inspired thousands of pretentious intellectuals across the First World to declare an ineffectual war on capitalist culture also captured the heart of frustrated pugilist “Iron” Mike Tyson.

“Being the leader of China is like being a father one billion times over.” –Mao

Like Mao, who is credited with the execution, unjust imprisonment, and starvation of millions of Chinese women, men and children in the name of “progress” and “industrialization,” Tyson also believes in the supremacy of his paternal authority:

“I have children to raise. I have to retaliate.” –Tyson

In the maimed body of Evander Holyfield, Americans can now take stock of the fate of Hong Kong and the history of Mao’s China. Who can blame a man for biting off another’s ear when the fate and fortune of the former’s children are at stake?

Such on the job injuries to others are commonplace in the world of pop star revolutionaries. It is well known that Che Gueverra once poked out a fellow guerrilla’s eye by accident while penning his now bestselling “Motorcycle Diaries” and even Cuba’s gentle giant, Fidel Castro, has been known to bust a kneecap here and there without batting an eye. But these flesh and blood men, overwhelmed by their own reckless and violent egotism, have noq been transformed into the spiritual icons of any and every struggle for self-determination.

Tyson, who once inspired young African-American men to wear t-shirts that read “Free Tyson” and “I’ll be back,” first became a celebrity by physically destroying his opponents–and first wife. Is the world of organized boxing really that different from that of civil wars? In the aftermath of the Cultural Revolution, did anyone stop to ask if Mao’s “purse” would be denied him because of his egregious crimes against the Chinese people?

Not likely. Nor is it probable that President Bill “Punch Drunk” Clinton will have anything more meaningful to say after Saturday’s synchronous assaults on Holyfield and Hong Kong than the following official reaction:

“I don’t know what the federal role should be. I haven’t given any thought to that whatever. But as a fan, I was horrified…Horrified, horrified.'’

Boys will be boys. Cest la guerre. It’s a man’s world, after all. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Long live the revolution!

DATELINE–Dallas, Texas

“The Southern Baptist Convention is sex-obsessed” declared Brother Luther Martinez, Jr., a small town preacher from Brownsville, Texas.

Martinez’ provocative statement was issued yesterday at a press conference in Dallas, Texas, where just last week the Southern Baptist Convention called for Christians to boycott Disney in protest of the entertainment company’s so-called “homosexual agenda.”

Martinez, who attended the Convention as a “messenger” for the Iglesia de Maranatha in Brownsville, hopes to dissuade his fellow Baptists from boycotting Walt Disney Co. et al.

The planned boycott would extend to the multinational media company’s subsidiaries, including ABC, ESPN, A&E, Lifetime, the syndicated television show “Live! with Regis and Kathie Lee,” The Mighty Ducks NHL hockey team, and the medical journal “Skin and Allergy News.”

According to Martinez, the critical issue facing Baptists at the close of the millenium is not the threat from without, but the threat from within. The baby-faced preacher, a rising star in the Tejano Baptist establishment, believes the call for a boycott is a “media stunt” and not a “long-term solution for the troubles afflicting American families.” In an address delivered via satellite to his congregation in Brownsville he exhorted:

If my fellow ministers see sex everywhere, they must be looking pretty darn hard to find it. It’s time to get real, and get down to the Lord’s business. As we are told in the Book of Matthew, Chapter 21: When Jesus entered Jerusalem, he threw the money changers out of the temple, exclaiming “My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.” I say the Southern Baptist Convention shall be called a house of prayer, but they have made it a den of sex-crazed hypocrites.

Martinez goes on to demand that Southern Baptists “drag their minds out of the gutter” and set to work addressing some “not so Mickey Mouse” issues such as poverty, hunger, racism and the growing alienation of America’s youth.

While Disney has been linked in the past to such unsavory subjects as psychedelic drugs, pedophilia and fascism, it is the company’s policy of offering insurance benefits to domestic partners of gay and lesbian employees that has gotten the Southern Baptist Convention all riled up.

Like last year’s attack on Jews-not-yet-for-Jesus and next year’s predicted offensive against financially independent women, the current campaign against homosexuals is yet another plodding attempt to garner media coverage for the Convention.

In the past, the “moral majority” and other fringe political parties have used like conventions and campaigns to get their narrow agendas publicized at no cost on the nightly news. During the Carter administration, the obsessive media coverage of televangelists like Jim Bakker, Oral Roberts and Pat Robertson catapulted a cadre of small-time demagogues to the national stage. Then, as now, sensationalist proclamations on family values could guarantee prime-time coverage, regardless of the seriousness or absurdity of the circumstances that brought them to the fore.

Martinez fears that last week’s Convention antics could jeopardize the righteous role of churches in America.

Regardless of a growing distaste for multinationals and their brazen disregard for any moral or national allegiances, mainstream America is increasingly suspicious of the Baptists’ perennial preoccupation with homosexual sex practices.

It is expected that in the coming year Southern Baptists will finish the job they started last week by calling for a nationwide boycott of hairdressers, restaurants with table service, domestic airlines, Broadway musicals and the City and County of San Francisco.

In the his closing remarks at the press conference outside of the Dallas Convention Center, Martinez lifted his fellow Baptists up to the Lord in prayer:

Lord, we know that the time is come to clean Your house. And as it is written in the Holy Book, we set out to turn the money changers out of the temple. In our hearts we know that our work begins with the money changers–the banks, the stock brokerages, the multinational corporations. Sex is small change in heavenly accounting. For as it is revealed unto us in I Timothy, Chapter Six, it is not LOVE that is the root of all evil; nay, it is the love of MONEY that is the root of all evil.

DATELINE–Department of Corrections

African-American activists have seized upon a little known ancillary protocol to the 1949 Geneva Convention to secure the release of Geronimo Pratt, a Black Panther who had been held in captivity by the state of California for over 27 years.

Using the obscure “One out, One in” clause, African-American activists were able to secure the emancipation of Pratt by arranging for the simultaneous incarceration of Timothy McVeigh. McVeigh, who was found guilty of 160 counts of murder in the Oklahoma City bombing trial, was sentenced to death late last week. By admitting McVeigh into the correctional system, federal authorities had no choice but to release the long-time political prisoner Geronimo Pratt.

But how could such a stunning swap take place within the hallowed halls of the American legal system?

The answer lies with a coalition of African-American scholars who have aimed an unlikely weapon at the U.S. penal system: the weight of history.

History on their side.

Since 1987, a group of prominent African-American citizens, including several international relations experts and labor historians, have studied the prospect of filing a claim against the U.S. government in an international court of law. In this unusual collaboration between Black activists, academics, and the legal establishment, reparations are being sought on behalf of African-American descendants of U.S.-held slaves.

It was in the course of their research that the team’s legal counsel discovered a precedent that establishes an upper cap on the number of political prisoners that can be detained at any one time by signatories to the Geneva Convention:

When the population of prisoners of war interned by a State exceeds the limit established in article 18.7, prisoners of war must be released in order to bring the state in accordance with agreed upon political prisoner population goals… Prisoners of war must be set at liberty in the order of their incarceration.

Due to the nature of their trials, both Geronimo Pratt and Timothy McVeigh are considered political prisoners. Pratt, having been imprisoned nearly three decades ago was the logical beneficiary of McVeigh’s sentencing last week.

A tale of two nationalists.

Geronimo Pratt, a Vietnam veteran and Black Panther activist, was imprisoned in 1970 for allegedly murdering a white woman on a tennis court in Santa Monica, Calif. Surprisingly, Pratt was convicted of the Santa Monica murder even though federal agents could verify that he was present at a Black Panther gathering in Oakland, Calif., at the time in question.

It was well known that Pratt was under continuous federal surveillance at the time that he allegedly committed murder in Santa Monica.

Timothy McVeigh, a Gulf War veteran and militia activist, was arrested in April of 1995 for murdering 168 people (including 8 federal agents and 19 children) in conjunction with the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building. Convicted two weeks ago on 160 counts of murder, McVeigh was sentenced to the death penalty on Friday the 13th of June, 1997.

In McVeigh’s case, the jury voted unanimously to impose the death penalty despite such mitigating factors as: the massacre of 72 Waco Branch Dividians at the hands of ATF and FBI agents, the murders of two white separatists at Ruby Ridge by FBI agents, the failure of the FBI and ATF to accept responsibility for said mishaps resulting in homicide of civilians, and McVeigh’s exemplary war time service in the U.S. Army.

McVeigh’s trial and, specifically, the jury’s decision to consider the above incidents as mitigating factors, mark the first public acknowledgments of federal wrongdoing in recent standoffs between White nationalists and the U.S. government.

While typical penalty phase mitigating factors would focus on such circumstances as a history of mental illness in the family, mental retardation, and/or victimization by sexual abuse, McVeigh’s defense arguments centered on his military service and the “recent imposition of martial law.”

A tearful homecoming and a boisterous bon voyage.

In the wake of last week’s simultaneous condemnation and emancipation, American families in Oakland and Oklahoma City, alike, find themselves searching for closure.

Unlike the strong-arm tactics routinely used by the U.S. government 30 years ago to quell such troubling political movements as the Black Panther party and the Anti-War movement, today’s “feds” appear unable to address the increasingly violent tone of contemporary political dissent.

At the time of Pratt’s arrest, political leaders throughout the country were being forced into hiding or exile at the hands of over-zealous and often paranoid law enforcement agencies. In eight years, when McVeigh is finally executed on prime time television, it is unlikely that any of his supporters will be frightened by that spectacle of federal might.

Instead, McVeigh will become a martyr. For unlike Pratt and other Black Panthers who have become unknowns in their community after being imprisoned for three decades, McVeigh’s case of swift and melodramatic justice will guarantee his place in the right wing’s pantheon of fallen heroes. No one knows what the future holds for Geronimo Pratt, but there can be no doubt that America’s fate is now bound, hand and foot, to Timothy McVeigh.

Is Bubba gonna take the bullet for the body politic? Will there ever again be a unified nation state in North America?

Against a somber backdrop of chronic low voter turnout, a government plagued by scandals, the rise of separatist militias, and Americans’ increasing distaste for the public life, ours destined to become an age of political executions.

We will once again be one nation, under God and indivisible – at the gallows.

Dateline–San Francisco

birthday celebration for a new breed of domestic partners.

The Cat’s Alley Club in San Francisco’s leather-and-platinum SOMA district is closed on a Monday night for a private party. It’s a birthday bash thrown by a local multimedia tycoon for his companion.

Inside, the staff is busy lighting candles and setting out hors d’oeuvres. A bartender wipes down the bar and carefully lines up shot glasses filled with a white liquid. A DJ starts to spin an eclectic mix of classic soul and country-fried rock. Jose Marquez, the party’s host, fidgets in a corner, calming his guest of honor as the two wait for the first invitees to arrive.

At ten minutes past nine o’clock, the door opens and a young woman wearing stylish spectacles and platform shoes breezes through the door. Along with her orange vinyl handbag and a meticulously wrapped present, the guest carries a large plastic box. After setting her present on the gift table, she approaches her host and asks, “Am I just supposed to let him out?”

Márquez suggests that a leash might be in order, at least until “Boo” gets used to his new surroundings. While Boo emerges from his carrier wearing a tether, the host’s own cat, Mus-Mus (pronounced Moose-Moose), is free to roam the vast, darkened club. But then, Mus Mus is the birthday girl.

By ten o’clock, the fashionably late revelers have all arrived with their kitty-cat companions in tow. At least a dozen felines and twice as many “parents” are imbibing the cross-species amenities that Márquez has arranged for the club to provide.

At the open bar, sweetened and salted varieties of milk are served to the cats, who perch in special booster seats while a bourbon-based cocktail dubbed Milk Punch is administered to their humans. Catnip has been liberally sprinkled on the floor in what the club manager describes as the “stoner corner.” Electronic music is now playing at full blast, peppered with audio samples of meows and purrs. Naturally, there’s sashimi and sushi galore for all of the guests.

Even in a city that prides itself on being the “nontraditional relationship” capital of the world, this unusual birthday bash for a 2-year-old named Mus-Mus is a bit over the top. But then again, just a decade ago, the idea of sending a kitten to the therapist or dropping a puppy off at canine day care was similarly unthinkable. As pet owners grow increasingly accustomed to lavishing luxuries upon their animals, full-blown cat and dog parties are on their way from the fringe to the mainstream.

“The pet-related service sector has experienced tremendous growth in the last few years,” reports Dev Chalworth, an analyst with Bain and Company who has interests in the pet-care industry and once named a limited-liability corporation after his cat. “In a strong economy, more and more young workers can afford to live alone. Combine this with greater disposable incomes and a trend toward starting a family later in life, and you find that people are having more pets and are willing to spend big money on them.”

Indeed there’s ample evidence in Márquez’s entourage to support this appraisal of the companion-animal market’s demand for high-end goods and services. From pharmaceuticals to beauty-care products to gourmet cuisine, many of the cats in attendance are as spoiled and fussed over as an only child. Partygoer Anne Etheridge went so far as to sedate her feline friend to preempt any unforeseen social anxieties. “My cat Darlene is a female orange tabby,” the thirty-something ad agency executive says. “They’re one in 10,000. She’s pretty high-strung so I got her some Valium from the vet before bringing her down here tonight.”

The Valium appears to have worked, as Darlene slowly licks the pâté icing off of the tuna fish flavored birthday cake. Six other cats join her in devouring the specialty dessert while the rest of the feline guests help Mus-Mus tear into a giant, mouse-shaped piñata that has been filled with a fresh batch of catnip and assorted kitty toys.

Márquez is not unaware that his largesse may appear odd, or even irresponsible to some. “It seems like a lot of money to spend on your cat. But when you live with an animal, you start to think of her as a member of your family, not as something you own,” explains the self-described bachelor. Still, he took heed of criticism from friends who thought it unseemly for him to spend several thousand dollars on a party for his infant cat.

“I know they have a point,” Márquez concedes, “that’s why my other present to Mus-Mus is a donation in her name to a local battered-womens shelter. She got a letter from them acknowledging the gift and everything. After all, Mus-Mus herself was once a stray.”

DATELINE–Central Valley, Calif.

Researchers from the University of Tennessee have identified a fungal agent that may soon threaten the stability of the global economy.

The virus-like mold known only as “MSIE-3,” short for Mildew Sporozite Invasive Exotic type 3, was apparently first introduced into the United States in 1993 by a shipment of laptop computers manufactured in Singapore.

The newly identified MSIE-3 mold is the only organism known to man capable of breaking down the coating used to seal computer microchips. The voracious mildew apparently uses a unique enzyme to reduce computer components into a “silicon soup.” The fungus can literally melt down a computer, from the inside out, in less than 24 hours.

In San Jose, Calif., where the majority of the nation’s microchips are designed before being mass-produced in Southeast Asian factories, the MSIE-3 fungus has already closed down three labs and seriously compromised the operations of over 140 computer companies.

Even after the UT report on MSIE-3 was published earlier this week, neither public nor private parties have officially acknowledged the presence of a Invasive Exotic in the computer world.

WORKERS SENT HOME, SCIENTISTS SHRUG

Invasive Exotics, or I.E.’s as they are known in the world of horticulture, are nothing new in America. First introduced by the successive waves of immigrants who colonized this continent, I.E.’s like the Kudzu plant have already destroyed entire sectors of the nation’s agricultural base. But before the recent discovery of Mildew Sporozite type 3 no species of I.E. was known to target strictly synthetic environments.

“Unlike the sometimes useful Bamboo tree, this mildew I.E. is only destructive,” said Dr. Adele Fertihumis, one of the UT scientists credited with identifying MSIE-3, “and there is nothing that can be done about it…but prevent it from spreading like a chemical wildfire.”

There is still no consensus on how the computer-hungry mold should be contained, and industry analysts worry that time is running out. According to the UT report, if the current growth rate of MSIE-3 is left unchecked, every computer in North America will have been dissolved into oblivion by the 1998.

A NEW UNION BETWEEN OLD RIVALS

In Silicon Valley, Calif., the threat of biological warfare has caught an entire industry off guard. With the exception of the occasional earthquake or a random monsoon in the Far East, few natural disasters have ever threatened the artificial growth of the computer industry. But the sterile world of Silicon Valley will not have far to turn to find assistance in fighting its fungal adversary: less than a two hour drive from the cubicles of San Jose are the fabled farming rows of the Central Valley.

The expansive Central Valley of California is the single greatest food source in the Western U.S., employing hundreds of thousands of migrant farmworkers each year to harvest everything from strawberries to pistachio nuts–often under torturous conditions. Though largely overshadowed by the stunning economic growth of the computer industry, California’s agribusiness may now hold the key to eradicating the cataclysmic MSIE-3 fungus.

Representatives from Silicon Valley have already met with engineers representing some of the largest farms in the Golden State. Both sides hope that their collaboration will yield a solution to the latest Invasive Exotic epidemic while strengthening the alliance between the agricultural and computer industries. And the first task on their agenda is tracing the ecological origins of the MSIE-3 fungus.

THE WORLD WIDE WEB OF THE LATE 1500′S

Unfortunately, the detective work ahead of the MSIE-3 task force may be too great a challenge for the team’s agricultural engineers and venture capitalists. According to Dr. Fertihumis, “the history of I.E.’s is too tangled a web in which to isolate a single species, no matter how noxious. ”

Horticulturists like Dr. Fertihumis warn that before the computer industry can even begin to explore its options for dealing with MSIE-3, it will have to confront the legacy of previous Invasive Exotics–possibly including the computer, itself, as an I.E.

“The history of Invasive Exotics includes all sorts of economic disasters,” relates Dr. Fertihumis, “sugar refineries in the Caribbean, cotton plantations in the American South, coffee harvesting in South America–each and every one of these monocultures led to the ultimate decimation of native life, both plant and human. Not to mention the reckless introduction of foreign life into the environment: African slaves as well as other beasts of burden and pleasure.”

Indeed, the MSIE-3 mold is thought to have originated in Singapore, where American economic standards and values have been adopted alongside feudal social codes. Imports from other countries similarly compromised by admixtures of American culture and local customs could very well become the MSIE-3’s of tomorrow.

Asia, Latin America, Africa, Europe: there is not a single continent in which the U.S. has not intervened with its culture and upon which it does not now depend for cheap consumer goods–each and every one potentially incubating an Invasive Exotic.

The age of the plagues is upon us.