DATELINE–The Campus

Microsoft announced the institution of its own IRS – Internet Referral Server that is. Netday News attributes the following striking confession to Brad Chase, vice president of developer relations and marketing at the Evil Empire: “Using the Microsoft Internet Referral Server, users can get immediate access to the Internet without the delays and confusion that often accompany the selection of an Internet service provider.” With the incorporation of the IRS into Internet Explorer browsing software, Microsoft can automatically assign users to local Internet service providers that have been selected, approved or purchased by the company. The software does not currently have the ability to switch the user’s long distance carrier, but only time will tell how sticky Bill Gates’ fingers are.

While Kaiser Gates swears on a stack of DOS manuals that Microsoft isn’t attempting to create an information technology monopoly, the marketing elves are hard at work doing His bidding.

Once Microsoft has consolidated its vise-like grip on the vertical market, technology and media consumers will be relieved of the “confusing” burden of choice.

In related news, the SttF legal department is reportedly researching the use of RICO to prosecute marketeering infractions in order to arrest Microsoft’s spiralling control of the digital economy.