DATELINE–The Circular Files

The Time Has Come for the FUTURE PERFECT JOURNALISM

1. The truth is a whore. She’ll go with anyone.

2. There are no longer any facts, just figures.

Figure a: A different O.J. Simpson in an identical pose on the covers of Time and Newsweek (June 27,1994).

Figure b: In a recent survey, one out of three dentists recommended using sugarless gum.

Figure c: Anorexia.

3. Connie Chung and Dan Rather are stuck in an elevator. Dan turns to Connie and says, “nothing.” Connie laughs politely and replies, “whatever.”

And the audience is listening.

4. We abhor the perfect future but we acknowledge the need for FUTURE PERFECT JOURNALISM.

5. Example: will have gone.

6. FUTURE PERFECT JOURNALISM reports news that has not yet happened. FUTURE PERFECT JOURNALISM reports news that may never happen. FUTURE PERFECT JOURNALISM reports the news that must not happen again.

7. Only your enemies will object to FUTURE PERFECT JOURNALISM.

8. We are the one true shining path. Shine a little light on me. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. The truth will set you free. Or at least 15 percent off.

9. They started this war. We’re going to finish it.

10. Our fictions are stars in the sky, fixed guides for those who dare lift their eyes from the ground.